*1st Day*

There is snow, everywhere, like a reminder that keeps telling me there are no other seasons here in Providence. It is a January, on the first day after flying back to this little city that holds my future in its hand. 

I wake up in sunlight that steams through the window blinds and scatters on my hair. I sigh. That feeling of hugging my family at the airport gate is so real that it still haunts two weeks later. I feel cold, even though there’s a heating vent next to where I lie. 

After one whole night of storming and heavy snowfall , just like the day before, I already know that it's going to be a lot harder to walk to class today. I wish I would receive an e-mail that notified me that classes are cancelled so that I can stay in my room, meeting no friends, and allowing me to reminisce over all those happy memories that making me even sadder. I want to be immersed in own my thoughts, all by myself, without talking to anyone. But I know my roommate is still in bed, murmuring something that’s definitely meaningless, and I will need to say good morning to her, and act normal. 

And suddenly, my mind tells me that my room is too cozy which I don’t deserve, and I need to get out. So I leave with only a shirt and my pajamas to the cafeteria. The snow falls on my body, but the only cold I feel is in my heart. 

Crawling on a couch that’s facing a window with a coffee in my hand, steaming, I can see incredibly huge snowflakes falling without any sound, so peaceful. But I don’t like it, especially when a good snow is starting to become a dull scenario that happens all the time. 

Deep down, I urge for the touch of my loved ones so badly that I cannot stand being here in Providence for one more minute. Listening to my friends making jokes and laughing right next to me, I have never felt so lonely. I wonder why people need to move on and be independent? This is a stupid question, I know. I know everyone is working to be an adult, training themselves to be alone. I know that everything people are telling me is just trying to make me feel better. 

But are they truly happy? Are they having fun when their loves are thousands of miles away? If so, is the happiness that they feel the same as the one they enjoyed when they were with their families? I am not sure. 

At least they look fine and function well. They can say hello, start conversations, and be positive all the time, which is more than enough. Right now, I am stuck and can’t escape this feeling. My brain is going crazy, and it keeps asking me questions that I don’t know the answer to. Are they missing me? Are they affected by this strong and unreasonable feeling like me?

In my whole life, I have traveled a lot, moving from one place to another, waving goodbye to countless people. My heart hurts every time. But the worst part is never the goodbye, but the endless emptiness that overwhelmingly crushes everything that I have after we are apart. I don’t think there is a cure for coping with this situation, and I will never get used to it. Never. Even though I have company everyday, hanging out with different interesting people, I feel so alone. How can I be truly happy when the place that I stay is so unfamiliar? Is this a part of growing up? If so, I wonder how much I can bear before I break and can finally return to that little girl again?